Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.
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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
It’ll be neat when Taylor and Travis break up. Instead of writing an angsty song about him, she can just buy the Chiefs and move them to Singapore.
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
The hardest part of working out at home is seeing how much dust there is under my furniture.
[Court]
ME: You expect us to believe your alibi — that everybody’d gone surfin’? Surfin’ USA?
BEACH BOYS: *sweating* Y-yeah
ME: Then how do you explain this?! *I hold up a picture showing that everybody was kung-fu fighting*
A great summer prank is to park your car just outside the mall with a fully cooked ham in baby clothes strapped into a child seat.
has anyone told parents they can show affection without posting the ugliest picture of you in existence
I’m white, but not cage free range eggs in my quinoa-kale quiche for my gluten, lactose, and peanut free Sunday brunch white.
Life got you down? Just remember that you will never be as confused and sad as the friends and relatives of the world’s first clown.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
I hate it when my wife wakes me up at the crack of dawn just to tell me my alarm woke her up.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
I don’t go down to the docks anymore because once I was mistaken for a big bag of sausages and got scooped up by a forklift. Life can be sad.
If I could give parents one advice it would be to never tell your kids about your good hiding spot. Take that to the grave.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
“Archeology is just like search and rescue only everyone’s been dead for 5,000 years, so there’s no rush”
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child