[strip to the waist for my fight club debut]
Opponent: “dude they meant the top half” *walks away*
[I claim victory and retire undefeated]
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My kid lost a tooth and the Tooth Fairy doesn’t have anything less than a $20 bill.
This is not the motherhood I envisioned.
I’m sorry that I gave your baby a wine cooler. I forgot that I superglued a mustache on him earlier and thought he was of legal age.
My best relationship advice: Make sure you’re the crazy one.
ME: My husband of 20 years minorly annoyed me today
TWITTER: Dump him, queen 💅✨
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart
whenever i trip a skinny girl running in only a sports bra i feel like i’m doing god’s work
get you someone who looks at you the way this cheetah is looking at this antelope and OH SHIT never mind
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
People are starting to relax about coronavirus. I coughed at the grocery store and only one person tased me.
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Interviewer: Tell me about your future plans.
Me: You mean, like, just tomorrow, or for, like, the whole weekend?
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Don’t you just hate it when the automatic arm rail of the escalator is out of sync with the stairs part and your arm moves so far ahead of you it dislocates then detaches and goes on to form its own life separate of you?
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
Kinky is when you bring a feather into the bedroom. Perverted is when you bring the whole chicken.
Hard as they try, cats are absolutely not helpful when making beds.
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
My apologies to your congregation. I totally misunderstood when you asked for missionary volunteers
Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?
Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]