*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
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Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
How come Peter Parker can be a Friendly Neighborhood Spiderman, but I can’t be a Cantankerous Neighborhood Were-Donkey!?
Seals are just dog mermaids.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
I’m guessing Scientology would have a lot more followers if they would’ve just come out and said they were pimps right from the start.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
After what happened to Lance Armstrong I’m kinda worried they are gonna come after my bowling trophies
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
You don’t have to do it my way, you could do it wrong also.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
MR. PEANUT: so you expect me to help sell members of my own kind to be eaten by humans?
BOSS: yeah. you get to wear a top hat and a monocle tho
MR. PEANUT: throw in some gloves and a cane and you’ve got yourself a deal
TRAIN’S HERE
At this point, if Pennywise tries to lure me into the sewer, I’m going.