*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
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Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
went to a dinner last night and we are struggling
My brain is a bad influence on me
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
[a movie on dvd]
ugh, i’ve seen that a million times[the same movie on tv with commercials]
OOH, IT’S JUST STARTING
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Got drunk and did my taxes, i am getting back 1 zillion dollars, 2 slaves, and somehow the state of Rhode Island, this can’t be right.
[planning a family vacation]
Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.
Kids: Yayy, cool!
Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?
M: About 45 feet, I guess
W: I despise you
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
Bachelor: Will you accept this rose?
Me: Do you have any food?
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
Never play musical chairs against a person in a wheelchair. They will always beat you.
*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Friend: “so how did you two meet?”
No Woman Ever: “he cat-called me in the street and we have been together ever since”