(strolls into men’s warehouse)
yes, and hello and how much to
keep all my mens here
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Superman: I have super strength
Flash: I have super speed
Aquaman: I control sea creatures
Green Arrow: I tell cars when to turn left
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
made the mistake of clicking through and buying something from an Instagram ad and it’s like when I tried to give one seagull a single piece of my sandwich
Me: if it’s a boy let’s call him Barry
Her: ok
Waiter: good evening
Me: good evening Barry
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
when horses drive past a field of people they say “people”
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
cow: I hate when you boss me around
farmer: what’s that supposed to mean?
cow: you herd me
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
King: the rebels are revolting
Rebels: wow hurtful why would you say that
King: no, no, I mea-
Rebels: why king
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
buys donuts instead
“I’m not good enough.”
-Implies this is as good as you will ever be
-Does not acknowledge your hard work
-Ends your journeyPunching the ground and declaring “I…I must get stronger!” like in anime
-Sets goals
-Recognizes how far you’ve come
-Useful for defeating the Demon King
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
God is watching everything. God is sitting on side upper birth.
ghost, are we friends?
*ouija board spells out “SURE”
do you suppose we could ever be… well, more than that?
*ghost favs but doesn’t reply*
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
Just checked FaceBook.. Apparently there are only 4 more days till the weekend.. I’ll keep you posted if anything changes guys
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree