strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
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Teacher: Did your mom sign your permission slip?
Kid: Yep
Teacher: This says you have permission to be the teacher
Kid Teacher: please raise your hand before speaking
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Weaknesses.
Secret Panel HERE 💥
“Let’s see what the internet says, shall we?”
-my kids, fact checking me
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
the human. who snuggled. my human. the other night. is here again. BUT. this time. however. they brought. my fren and i. treats.. we approve
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
I’m starting a website called onlyflaps.
It’s for plane enthusiasts.
What were you thinking?
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
Thank God you’ve updated your status to “Finished lunch” after you first posted “Going to lunch” I really couldn’t tolerate more suspense.
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
A married woman hit on me today and it was the most uncomfortable and awkward moment I’ve ever had with my wife.
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
*turns TV off*
“THEY HAD CAMERAS EVERYWHERE BUT NOBODY SAW THE TOYS WALKING AROUND?!”– me every time I watch Toy Story 3
[olive garden]
waiter: when you’re here you’re family
me: cool can I borrow some money
waiter: please leave
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
Sure childbirth can be painful but have you ever tried shaving your knees with a fresh razor?
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.
My husband started exercising and now I have to start exercising out of spite.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.