Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby

It’s only my second day picking up my son from pre-school, and I’ve already learned the best question to ask if you want more than a one-word answer: Did anyone get in trouble today?

Matt Goss

If you put your face really close to a neck tattoo & slowly pull away, you can see a hidden design of the unemployment office.

I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

My husband said he needs to have sex and now he is mad at me. Apparently, asking ‘with each other’ was the wrong response.

If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.

She hates bananas.

My tacos arrived with a fork on the plate. I can only guess it’s there to stab potential taco thieves.

Grand Theft Auto reminds me of Florida. Except one lets you shoot people without consequence and the other is a video game.

My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.

I like in RPGs when you kill a wild animal and it has, like, $5 and a spoon on it for some reason

[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)

ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane

30s: Oh look, a dance floor!
50s: Oh look, a couch!

Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!

Wife: An uncontested divorce

witch 1: i can’t find my broom

witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick

OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?

ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.

Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.

The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”

He’s 14.

Autocorrect changed car battery to car buttery and it slipped out of my fingers and caused an accident on I-25.

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes

karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]

I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’

You haven’t Instagramed what you had for dinner yet? Please hurry up, the suspense is killing me.

interviewer: what was your last job

me: health angel

interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa

me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle

COMPUTER: Your password has expired.

ME: So it’s a passéword.