“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
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May your day taste like creamy soup.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
Husband: Eat a carrot they are good for your eyes!
6: I’m good mommy thinks I look cute in my glasses.
You guys would not believe the roller coaster of emotions I’ve been through
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
(Don’t) touch!
(Don’t) scream!
(Don’t) run!
(Don’t) fight!
(Don’t) pee here!
(Don’t) put that in your mouth!~ Toddler selective hearing
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
WTF
How to be a beautiful woman*:
– Breathe fire
– have a 30 feet long wingspan
– keep your scales acid shiny
– sharpen your claws*Awesome dragon
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Sees friend from highschool. Gives friend a big hug. Refuses to let go of friend. Becomes siamese friends.
I enjoy a good short stor
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Fish look like they’re constantly being surprised by something.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: [*Drinks water]
My Liver: New liquid, who dis?
Never let the fear of failure keep you from failing.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit