[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
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me: [sits bolt upright in bed]
usain: stop doing that
Child: I learned a joke at school.
Me: [already pulling out of driveway]
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
[after dinner]
Mugger: gimme your wallet.
Me: can I keep my drivers license?
Mugger: fine.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: I can’t be seen with that.
Me: oh.
Mugger: gimme your shoes instead.
Me: [velcro sound].
Mugger: you know what forget it.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
Upon finding I was going to the dentist to have a tooth pulled, I did what any 6 year old would do and armed myself with rocks that I threw at him as soon as he came in
I ended up getting a spanking AND my tooth pulled but no way was I going down without a fight.
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
*pulls handle on slot machine
*prune
*prune
*prune
*diarrhea comes out
Pretty messed up that every year I swallow 8 spiders.
And none of them ever call me again.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
ELECTRICIAN: [walks into home]
GF: WHY ARE YOU IN SO LATE?
E: Honey, we’ve talked about this.
GF: [sadly] Ok…. wire you insulate?
Protip: If your spouse says “Thanks for the help” when you didn’t do anything don’t reply “You’re welcome”.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
Jack: I want to be nimble
Genie: ok
Jack: and also quick
Genie: ok those are the same thin-
Jack: last but not least I want to jump as high as a candle
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.