STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
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computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
They called me hysterical, and I laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Thanks to a fan for this one.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
Mispronouncing French phrases can be a real social fox piss.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
I finally figured out the moral of Beauty and the Beast: Sure,Gaston had good looks. But the Beast had shitloads of money.Good choice, Belle
Plot twist: I knock on Jehovah’s Witnesses doors. “I’d like to talk to you about modern science “
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
me: do you have anything for dry skin?
pharmacist: aloe.
me: um hi. do you have anything for dry skin.
sliding into dms like
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No