Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
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“Stay weird” she said, like I have a choice
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I want money.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
If we could see the world through the eyes of a child, we’d see so many more doorknobs.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
The trick to falling asleep is putting your phone down. Unfortunately, that’s not a risk I’m willing to take.
I was the only one wearing a mask in the supermarket this morning, so I made everyone empty their pockets.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
mechanics be like
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
Text: CMAO
Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”
That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.
[Wife comes home to find me with 6 dogs recreating the fountain scene from Friends]
Me: I can explain
Dog: Woof!
Me: Chandler shut up!
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
*mutes Coronavirus*
*Twitter disappears*
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
ME: *does something stupid*
I hope no one saw me do thatALSO ME: *texting all my friends* Listen to what I just did
sensitive skin
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
The neighbors on either side of us have both mowed their lawns twice this week. I think we’re in the middle of a turf war.