Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
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Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Netflix and you sit over there.
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
If you hold a cat by the tail you learn things you cannot learn any other way.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
Untangling Christmas lights is the closest my wife and I have ever gotten to S&M.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
Ladies, never trust a dude with a fancy mustache. They’re just a top hat and a cape away from tying you to the train tracks or the conveyor belt of a giant lumber mill saw.
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
I bought a book on Feng Shuis but I don’t know where to put it.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*