Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”

“By mistake?”

“Not you as well”.

And the cat’s in the cradle so the baby must be at the pet groomer’s, this is a terrible mix-up.

Friend: I want a baby.

Me: Remember when your neighbor was practicing the clarinet at 1AM? It’s like that, but you can’t call the cops.

Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.

saying “i am bad at this”

-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvement

saying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”

-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales

Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.

Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?

HIM: I wanna do bad things with you

ME: Like punching old ladies?

HIM: Uh, no…

ME: Stealing from the donation jar?

HIM: God, no! I mean like-

ME: Stroller tipping?

HIM: You know, never mind.

ME: Taking up two parking spaces?

HIM: Goodbye

ME: Putting habanero juice in-

Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.

Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”

Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?

Me: Who told you my secret?!?

(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight

If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.

Child: I’m full.
Me: Okay.
Child: Can I have dessert?
Me: What? You just said you were full.
Child: Yeah, full of THIS.

just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat

[Facebook post]
Wife: Decorating with the fam and listening to holiday music #blessed

[real life]
Wife: QUIT THROWING THE GODDAMN ORNAMENTS AT YOUR BROTHER

lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you

granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet

Trip to the grocery store ended with 9 pledging to run away because we bought watermelon cubes, not slices like she wanted, in case there’s any Hallmark family movie writers out there looking for a new story line.

A good way to tell if an artistic idea is any good is to remember the most successful video game idea of all time is “a plumber steps on turtles” so who knows

ESPN was showing the 1997 spelling bee smh, like a spelling bee is even a sprot.

my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.

we don’t have a dog.

I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body

“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.

[lives entire life from beginning to end]
ME: Wow, I hope no one saw that

I occasionally call my son when he’s with me so I can hear what my ringtone is on his phone. Last week I was the theme song from Psycho.

captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.

another car tip: once a month, open the hood and rip out one thing. most of the engine is decorative and weighs down your car

If at first you don’t succeed, sweep the leg.

I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.