Stuck in a massive traffic jam because I refused to take an alternate route. Suddenly realized why the orange cones are shaped like dunce caps.
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I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
half of all the problems in life can be solved by duct tape. For the rest, you’re gonna have to reboot that computer
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
this is what they would have looked like, though
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
I don’t like being asked “are you at home?” Please expand further so I can know whether I’m at home or not.
do what now??
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
Find someone who shares your values & dreams- but likes a different kind of dipping sauce for chicken strips so you don’t have to share that
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
[buys ghostbusters ringtone]
ME: who ya gonna call?
[1 hour later]
ME: who ya gonna call?!
[2 days later]
ME: *sobbing* I am so lonely
Coworker: What are those chocolate coins you guys get on Hanukkah called?
Me: Gelt.
Coworker: Guilt?
Me: No, Jews get that all year round.
I don’t wanna brag but I have definitely pet my slippers thinking they were my cat
BREAKING NEWS: Rihanna won’t be attending this year’s #MetGala after a back injury sustained from carrying the entire weight of the event for years.
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
Every time I see the headline ‘tragedy on film set’ I think oh god m knight shymalan is making another goddamn movie
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Why would I want a vehicle that seats 8 people? I don’t even like 8 people.
I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.