Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
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Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
Me: huh why is Cinnamon Toast Crunch Shrimp trending
30 seconds later: I’ve made a terrible mistake
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Really, eating peanut butter is just like doing kegels for your mouth
True friends show up during the middle of a bad date, dressed like a police officer and pretend to arrest you for murdering 7 other guys after the first date.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
[Scientist describing evolution of the zebra]
“We believe they were crime horses that stayed in jail for like a really, really long time.”
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
My wife is browsing at Michaels and I’m doing this
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
Pronounces it worst shit sure sauce.
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
If by chipper you mean woodchipper, then yes, I have a chipper personality.
I used to think Urethra was the name of a heavy metal band, until I found out it was actually a brand of vacuum cleaner.
cop: are you sure your identity’s been stolen
: very
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I would move hell over six inches for you
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Normalize ordering a straw with your soup
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am