Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
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Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
The FBI would save time on manhunts if they cross-referenced suspects with a list of people who’ve gotten married at Disney World.
boss: you’re fired
me: [pausing tiktok] why
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
Catcaller: I wanna go wherever you’re going baby.
Me: Sure! I could use some help hiding the bodies.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
[car dealership]
WIFE: let me do the talking, ur a terrible negotiator
SALESMAN: u can drive off with this car for 18k
ME: we’ll double that
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
Recipe idea: Add ADDITIONAL cheese to your frozen pizza to make pizza with EXTRA CHEESE! (Ladies, you may pin this on your pinny web thing.)
I never feel like a bigger failure than when my dog re-scratches something I just scratched for her.
If you need motivation to workout this evening, Justin Bieber changed his Instagram name to Bizzle. Now go ahead, get out that aggression.
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
[the year 2057]
iPhone 49: *reaches for some of my fries*
Me: No. if you wanted fries you should have ordered some
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– I wouldn’t let the dog drive him to daycare
– the bath was “too wet”
– he wanted syrup for breakfast…just syrup
– his sister “keeps looking at him”
– he wants shoes like his friend Jacob (there is no Jacob)How about your kid?
“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”
-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol