[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
You Might Also Like
Someone stole the C and L off my work besties door, which I guess was probably pretty predictable in hindsight…
[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
A “Purge” comedy where two pals accidentally kill someone a week before the purge and try to fake the person’s life until the murder would be legal.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING
Both my kids are denying ownership of an iPhone charger that they usually fight over. Makes me wonder what crime scene evidence is on it.
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Damn girl, are you the majority of the American population? Because you look like you could use a high-speed rail
[playground]
Woman: which one is yours?
My wife: over there [points to team of firefighters cutting me from a tire swing]
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Me: Hey boss sorry I’m late but my –
Boss: The chain from your wallet got tangled on your bicycle seat again…
Me: yeah
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
OK THERE. DID I PASS YOUR STUPID SOBRIETY TEST YET?
Cop: Sir, you’re still laying on the ground where you fell down.
Bananas in Pajamas was so popular. I can’t figure out why my spinoff, Swiss Chards in Unitards, failed