Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
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My dog sure acts tough for an animal whose natural habitat is on the couch under his blankie.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
I did my spring cleaning, I now only have 14 contacts in my phone lol
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
“Let the chips fall where they may.”
-My kids when they’re eating chips on the couch.
WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait
There are some people who when they hit rock bottom, they refuse to just lie there…
They just pick up a shovel and started digging.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
BARBER: would you like a hot towel?
ME: buddy, I don’t objectify towels
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
TRES leches?! En esta economía?!
Guy:Hey what are you doing?
Girl:unzipping it
Guy:why?
Girl:I want to see how big it is. ..
*Unzips tent and gets inside*
Girl:nice, nice..
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Americans who pronounce Z like Ted are given Canadian citizenship, free Timbits for life, and one pet baby moose.
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
[to the tune of feliz navidad]
police are the cops
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
I changed the pictures in the bathroom a year ago, my toddler just realized, your understanding is appreciated as she goes through this hard time
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.