Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
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Short skirts have a tendency to make men polite. Have you ever seen a man get on a bus ahead of one?
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is “mussel”
me: can you use it in a sentence?
judge: check out the mussels on this fisherman
me: umm
If you tell me my life would be SO much easier if I’d organize everything, I swear I will stab you with a fork. As soon as I find my fork.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they’re judging and disparaging it with little British accents.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Of course my tweet applies to you, random moron on the internet who doesn’t even follow me.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
me [sneezes]: excuse me.
guy at the bus stop: [starts crying] my ex used me too, man.
Only thing sexier than a bad decisions is a bad decision with queso.
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
If you need someone to keep a secret then I’m your girl. I’ll forget it 5 minutes after you tell me.
I feel terrible I sat back and did nothing while 5 “Twilight” movies were made.
“I’m telling you, it’s all or nothing,” the exterminator explains to Noah, “I can’t just leave 2 woodworm. It doesn’t work like that.”