STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
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I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
When they try to steal your moment.
Everytime a chicken looks at me I feel like it knows I eat chicken
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
My mom used to say “stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about” and I’d be like “I’ve already got something, but thanks”
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
favorite childhood memories?
~not paying bills.
[first day in prison]
Hey new fish what you in for?
“Killed 4 people during a game of Mario Party”
*everyone backs away slowly*
me: ok for that, i need you to roll a perception check
cop: that’s not how this works
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Just played that Facebook game where an app tells you what state you’re best suited to be in and I was disappointed it didn’t say unconscious.
At the park yesterday my 4yr old was talking to one of the dads, being all charming and cute, complimenting his tattoos. Then he started telling him about mommy’s tattoos and pointing me out. Good to know I’ve got a good wingman if I ever need one.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Me: I feel good
My Brain: [scrolling through intrusive thought rolodex] “yeah ok, hang on”
5yo: Curious George is not a monkey
Me: yes he is
5yo: no he isn’t, he doesn’t have a tail, he’s an ape
Me: he definitely has a— *googling pics of Curious George* omg
The struggle is real.
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”