student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.
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*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
my mom is doing what she’s calling “the parade of pies:” walking around with each pie, making us look at it and go “ooooh, looks good” before its sliced. it is a new thing this year. I sense it’s not going away
*eats half a banana then stubs the bit that’s left in an ashtray*
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
my physical therapist told me to do yoga in the cold to get rid of my pain. she called it frozen yog-hurt
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
*Area 51*
Me: Hi
Female Alien: I have a boyfriend
Hey girl, on a scale of ‘Neo’s mind in the beginning of The Matrix’ and ‘Neo’s mind at the end’, how free are you tonight?
interview: problem solving skills?
me: i once fit 9 people into a 1986 Toyota Corolla
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
11yo, urgently: “Mom. MOM!”
Then she leaned in conspiratorially and whispered, “We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”🥲
Any day now, there will be a country song called “(He broke up with me from) 6 Feet Apart”.
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
*getting murdered*
Me: *pointing to murderer’s t-shirt* Ha ha, you went to a Justin Bieber concert
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
I can’t afford an electric toothbrush, so I just roll a baby hedgehog in some toothpaste and hold in it my mouth for 15 minutes.
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
Boss: Did you take Mike’s stapler and leave a note demanding that he meet you for drinks later?
Me: WHAT!?! Noooo….wait, did he say yes?
I’ve never been married, but I tell people I’m divorced so they won’t think something is wrong with me.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I met my husband on eHarmony, which is Tinder for back when the smartest things our phone could do was make you pay $2 to play an actual song as your ringtone
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.