Student: “May I go to the toilet?”
Teacher: “What for?”
Student: “To open the Chamber of Secrets”
You Might Also Like
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
#Caturday
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
free space program idea: when you bring a spaceship back to earth land it on a huge seesaw and launch another ship off the other side
I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
Me, 87 times before falling asleep: want to go outside???
Dog: meh
Me *falls asleep*
Dog: hey stupid wake up I need to go out
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
“I smell like candy,” I mouthed to the hot guy in traffic that caught me smelling my shirt.
Her: We can’t drive the car, it’s stuck in the mud… Doesn’t it help if you put something under the back tires?
Me: Are you volunteering?
I’m trying to get things done. However I keep finding other things that needs to be done first in order to complete the work I want to finish.
It’s like being in a video game. I want to fight the main boss but I gotta do all this side quest shit to unlock him.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
I’m sorry for the destruction I caused when my # was called at the hot dog window
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
Every time I think I’m failing as a parent my daughters are there to agree.
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
“So you think you can dance.” should be the title of a Lifetime movie about strippers.
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.