student: now what?
driver’s ed teacher: make a u turn
stndent: ok
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[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
3: I hit you in the head with the shovel
me: um, no thank you
3: it’s ok. I’ll be gentle
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I got caught with my hand in cookie jar again.
I really need a better nickname for her.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
“Ive fallen ill with Coronavirus”
-panic inducing
-everyone will think you don’t wash your hands“I’ve been coronated”
-not as scary
-are you royalty?
-can I borrow your crown?
-you can’t probably marry a celebrity now
Just called the number of a guy I met last night and a pizza place answered. I didn’t even know you could live in pizza places. I’m in love!
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
the $25 stuffed animal gets me every time
55% of all country music songs in the ’70s described the tightness of someone’s jeans
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
White parent Vs Arab parents
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.
Holiday tip: remember, you only have a few days left to drop out of people’s lives to avoid buying gifts. You’re welcome.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
surely THIS is the salad that will undo months of fast food and alcohol
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.