STUDENT: what’s it like being drunk?
TEACHER: see those 6 desks? A drunk person would see 12.
STUDENT: there are only 3 desks.
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Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
My mom moved me away from Texas as a kid, statistically decreasing the chance I ever get the death penalty and that’s pretty cool
Can you imagine the pressure Morgan Freeman’s mom felt reading him a bedtime story?
As an adult you’re either extremely dehydrated or have to pee every 5mins, there is no in between.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life…
Unless, of course, I want to buy something.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
When I go “Commando” I carry around a big machine gun & speak with an Austrian accent while I track down my daughter’s kidnappers.
Him: I’ve never had any broken bones
Me: *remembers his profile said he loves trying new things* Noted
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
Drug dealer: What do you want?
Me: Please give me 17 of your finest *checks note on hand* marriage o’wannas
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
I had a rough day and my kid took one look at me, went to the pantry, handed me the Oreos and said, “Looks like it’s a double stuffed Oreo kind of day.”
So anyway, he’s my new therapist.
I’m wearing a push-up bra and can still only do 3 push-ups. Would not recommend.
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
If you have an enemy, recommend a bad salon, it’s the best revenge ever
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.