Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
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My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
I’m so inactive, my Fitbit sent my family a bouquet of flowers and a sympathy card.
[before sex]
Me: *taking off clothes* they call me the matador
Her: why’s that?
Me: *crawling in bed with socks on* the red flags
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
Adding “and shit” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and shit.
My daughter, watching Omicron news: “I think we took a wrong turn in the choose-your-own-adventure.”
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
maybe less RPGs would be about killing god if gods stopped playing absolutely banging tunes whenever someone tries to kill them
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
#Caturday
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
did I accomplish my goals for this year? no. but did I look after my physical and mental health? not at all. but did I maintain a proper diet and sleep schedule? listen,
[business trip]
ME: i forgot my charger
COWORKER: you should invest in a spare to keep in your bag
ME: i forgot all 4 of my chargers
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Telemarketer: Let me tell you why our car insurance is better.
(10 minutes later)
My mom: You better email me that meatloaf recipe, Sue, and I hope they drop the drug charges against Ricky Jo!
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
In hindsight, I made two key mistakes on this family vacation:
1) Going on vacation
2) Taking my family
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.