Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
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I hate snakes because they have no feet. You could say I’m…
lacktoes intolerant
*opens another beer*
Girls hate it when you give them Christmas presents with an implied expectation, like an iron, a food processor, or knee pads.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
the first 10 minutes of going to anyone’s place in LA is them trying to calm down their dog while telling you this never happens
I…do not understand how electricity works.
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
How long do you wait before you introduce your girlfriend to your child? For arguments sake let’s say you’ve been dating for 3 years and the child is 6 weeks old.
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
Whenever my teen cleans his room, I get a brand new set of dishes.
Coffee for people with no kids
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Why is my long hair now up in a messy bun today? Well I leaned down to pick up something from the floor & my cat leapt out of nowhere, claws out, grabbed my hair like a vine rope over a lake & swung from it for fun.
Toddler: I want toast
Me to husband: I don’t want to give her toast
Husband: just tell her she already ate it
Me: you already ate your toast
Toddler: *eyes narrow*
Husband: you said it was yummy
Toddler: *walks away*
Don’t worry. Artificial intelligence will never replace actual ignorance.
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.