Studies say that if you sleep on the right side of a bed, it means you don’t sleep on its left side.
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis reaches for his iPhone but accidentally grabs his iPad and screams because he thinks he’s shrunk
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Destroying entire ecosystems by cleaning out my car
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
I’m at that age where the most pain-free method of putting on socks is to just throw them at my feet and hope for the best.
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
It was worth a shot 😂
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend