Studies show that men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy.
Unless your wife finds out.
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My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Explaining to my future spouse that I’ll never retire bc I bought too many treats in the summer of 2023
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
I’ve just seen my doctor quickly close the Wikipedia page for ‘bones’
A buddy asked me what it was like to cook with toddlers so I dumped out a bag of flour, threw a half-dozen eggs on the floor and then we went out to eat.
Someone asked me to go for a walk and all I can think of is why does my dog get so excited when I ask him if he wants to go for walk?
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
To all my friends who lost weight- I found it
Dentist: “When was the last time you flossed?”
Me: “BRO, you were there.”
I think at this point, a pterodactyl egg has better odds of getting laid than I do.
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Helpful phrases:
“We’ll get there when we get there”
“We’ll know when we know”
“Well, it is what it is”
“It’s neither here nor there”
“First thing’s first”
“I wouldn’t worry if I were you”
“I don’t mind either way”
“It’ll be in the last place you look”
My daughter has fallen in with the wrong crowd at school and likes country music now.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
I’m trying to use this rotisserie to bbq an owl but he won’t stop looking at me.
I sat down beside this guy in a diner, every time he went to take a bite of his sandwich I’d say nomnomnom. He left. Making friends is hard.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.