Studies suggests, 9 out of 10 men prefer a girl
with a big butt. The 10th man prefers the other 9
men.
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My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Someone used my email address for their discord account so I logged into their account and deleted it lol.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
HER: i like a guy who will hold a door for a lady
ME [trying to impress her]: *cuddles my jim morrison body pillow*
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
i could never be president. im overqualified.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Wife: I think my husband is spying on me.
Friend: You’re probably overreacting.
Me: *dressed as a bartender* Can I get you ladies a drink?
Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?
Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes
My spouse claims to be a good driver, but there’s no way the dog got all these tickets
Reasons people get divorced:
-irreconcilable differences
-infidelity
-finances
-husband starts using the term boi
-lack of intimacy
Pescaterian: eats fish
Pestcaterian: eats insects
Pezcaterian: eats candy from a cartoon character
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I’m not saying white uniforms on kids for sports was invented by Big Laundry but I’m not NOT saying it either.
5: mom i learned the months of the year!
me: oh yeah? what are they?
5: january…february…tuesday?
me: *tears up application to harvard
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
this is my fancy nightgown it only has one stain
Def Leppard is short for Definitely Can’t Spell Leopard
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
Sorry I called animal control about your children but I really think those tranquilizer darts did the trick.
Ah yes, time for the biannual gaslighting of the cat, in which I slowly shift meals by 15 minutes at a time for two weeks in a ritual that is both mystifying and infuriating for him.
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
me: what’s your name?
alien: it cannot be pronounced by your earth tongue
me: is it jeff?
alien:
me:
alien: I didn’t know you could do j sounds it actua—it is jeff
wtf is a larm clock?