Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
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got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Anyone who has ever said “I’m just going to let these dishes soak” has no intention of doing those dishes
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!
For all I know, you could be a vegan.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*
Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
The movie theatre: No outside food or candy allowed
Me:
this independent good boy don’t need no human
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
Robocop seems pretty cocky for a guy that can’t swim.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
Parents please check your kids’ Halloween candy. Just found an orca inside of a Hershey bar. Stay safe this Halloween.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
Okay I’m getting out of bed to go check my lottery tickets. If you don’t hear back, the money changed me.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Scary is handing your car keys to the same kid who unintentionally locked himself in the bathroom that morning.