Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
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It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
skippin the intro of a game and then realizin you have no idea what the objectives are just walking round aimlessly hoping something pops up
Nobody:
Paintball field I went to for a birthday party in 2013: Hey man I bet you’re wondering how we’re handling all this
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Her: What’s this new hair stuff?
Me: Just For Men.
Her: Let me try some.
Me: But Honey, it says Just For M-
Her: Pfffft, what are they gonna do, arrest me?[faint sound of distant sirens growing louder]
I’ve never seen Die Hard but I assume it’s about a dude who dies during sex?
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.
I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Not to brag but my wife just mentioned fireworks in the bedroom to me. She wants me to keep them somewhere else until the 4th but still…
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Toys R Us went out of business because their mascot was a stupid giraffe when it could’ve been a toy dinosaur called the Toysaurus. It was right there man.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
The whispering voices in horror movies but they’re complaining about unfolded laundry.
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Just hired a dirtying lady. About to watch her and my cleaning lady fight it out.
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?