“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
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[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
I’m gonna start giving bad news to people in that cute, high pitched voice I use to talk to kids and dogs.
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
I’m fine with the orcas as long as they don’t move into my neighbourhood
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
Everybody at this Home Depot is getting hurricane supplies except this one woman is buying the 12 foot skeleton
Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word?
Me: Velocity.
Co-Worker: …
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Friend: So, you are distantly related to the family next door, are you?
Me: Yes, their dog is our dog’s brother.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?
[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
WIFE: my battery died, do you have something that can power my cell?
ME: [sips from World’s Greatest Science Teacher mug] ᵗʰᵉ ᵐᶦᵗᵒᶜʰᵒⁿᵈʳᶦᵃ
If I see a parked car with one of those stick figure family things, I always add a sticker of myself to it and then just wait in the car.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
Now would be a really inconvenient time to get divorced because I just had a bunch of stuff monogrammed
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
Before I met my wife I only used bar soap in the shower.
Last week I threw a tantrum like a five year old because I ran out of ocean salt scrub for my beard.
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important