Stuffed animals are strange like an actual tiger will tear you to pieces but here ya go kid, sweet dreams.
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[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
*reads own tweet*
Haha, so relatable
My friend’s wife just went live on Facebook to discuss “astrology and the election” in case you’re wondering why I avoid my friends
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Imagine being the person that got a message from an almighty powerful God and it was: ‘There’s going to be a floody floody’.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
*rolls over to your desk on chair*
So what was in that browser you just quickly minimised?
Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO
I still don’t understand why we are supposed to eat the tampon afterwards
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
Detective interviewing me about the murder of my friend: is there anyone who may have wanted to kill them ?
Me: yeah looks like it
When my Uncle died the obituary said that he ‘passed away in the warmth of his own home.’
It was a house fire.
Therapist: please tell me a little about what brought you both here today.
Wife: We don’t talk. Plus he is so literal.
Me: My truck.
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
I wasn’t planning on going for a run, but I had scissors.
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
People on Twitter are crazy. You can be like “I like summer” and there’ll be a comment under it like “wowww really? summer??? how dare you even say that? I expected more from you, you entitled piece of shit”