*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
You Might Also Like
15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
If my dog knew how many photos I have of him sleeping, he’d file a restraining order against me.
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
Me to the ice maker: Can I please just have a few cub-
Ice dispenser: YOU MUST SACRIFICE 20 CUBES TO THE FLOOR GOD!!!
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
No greater betrayal than a rogue eyelash. How could you? The very eyeball that you swore to protect.
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
TEENAGE JAMES BOND: its actually just a learners permit to kill. I can kill, but only with an adult over 25 and not after 10pm
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
A girl who’s literally called ‘Beauty’ walks around town singing about how stupid everyone else is. It’s a mystery why Belle had no friends.