Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
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Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
This guy hitting straight bombs off his toddler at home during the Coronavirus pandemic is the Twitter content I’m here for.
Stay at home. Save lives.🌎❤️
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
[at work]
me in my 20’s: I DONT NEED LUNCH I HAVE MOTIVATION AND AMBITION TO ENERGIZE ME
me now: listen, if i don’t eat lunch at this exact second i will actually die
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
me: the clogged sink is over here
plumber: (crawls under sink)
me, definitely not a werewolf: oh no
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Me: I’m under a lot of pressure, ok?
Diamond: rookie
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions.
“He stole a penguin from the zoo.”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A BUTLER, KAREN.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
*parachutes into your family BBQ*
I noticed you haven’t retweeted me in a while, but I see you had time to make POTATO SALAD…
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Who called it a hive for bees to live and not a site to beehold?
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
i’m not sayin for sure big brother is watchin, i’m just sayin ever since i came public with my imaginary dog, my pandora station non-stops advertises for schizophrenia medication
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password