[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
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Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
[goes up to girl after symphony concert] Hey girl, you sounded real good tonight. I’m a huge fan of the…*looks at her clarinet*…e-cig.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
I was the most experienced baker at a bread factory. A roll model, if you will.
[restaurant]
ME: I think I’ll have the soup
HER: What soup?
ME: Not much, just ordering soup
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
I just bought ibuprofen from Costco so if anyone has any aches or pains, I can help 16,000 of you
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Why is it called her “time of the month” and not “trouble in paradise?”
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
[I just learned that different colors of the heart emoji mean different things]
*scroll*
*scroll*
*scroll*
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Me: If I’m guilty of anything, it’s hating the way you change the subject
Judge: And all the murders you did
Me: There you go again
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Me: What do you want for breakfast?
Kids: EGGS! BACON! WAFFLES! CHOCOLATE CHIP PANCAKES!
Me: Let me rephrase. Who wants toast?
4: mama you’re a sweet tomato!
Me: Aw thank y-
4: because you’re round
Me: …
4: and plumpy
Me: go to your room
Pretty disrespectful of Jesus to rise during Passover when his body was made of bread.