STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
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5: Mom, look at me!
Me: I’m in the shower
5: Look at me!
Me: I can’t!
5: Because you’re in the shower?
Me: Yes!
5: Fine, but can you just look at me?!
Alien 1: we’re abducting you
Alien 2: taking you to our home planet
Me: oh no, captured on a planet full of aliens
Alien 1: actually since it’s our planet, you’re the alien
Me: good point. that means I’m the one who does the probing
Alien 1: wait, no-
Alien 2: she’s right Blork
gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste
shadowfax: *holds up a dictionary with its front hooves* I can’t read
My first workout back at the gym was great… I did 15 mins of cardio, 10 mins on the defibrillator, and then 3 days in the hospital.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
“Sure, you could bury it but hear me out.”
Taxidermy is invented.
[interview]
BOSS: How many words can you type a minute?
ME: Probably all of them
BOSS: What do you mean?
ME: Well, like for example, pickle
[at an indian restaurant]
me: they’re well known for their gooey naan.
her: what’s gooey naan?
me: nothing much what’s goin’ on with you?
I want to believe in hope as much as someone who thinks that somebody might buy their old used shoes on Craigslist for $20.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
Why the hell would I use turn signals? I know where we’re going.
Bad news travels fast. #TravelFail
ordered a few pizzas for dinner online, but i forgot to click the “later” setting, so now we’re having dinner at 1:50pm.
Don’t assume Wal-Mart sells walls. Unless you want an argument about existential reality with an 85-year-old greeter.
[last supper]
Judas: Here, I brought this
Jesus: A bottle of wine? Srsly? I need that like I need a hole in my hand
Judas: *winks at camera*
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have eaten that last taco 🤔
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Android Oreo announced today; you’ll be able to update your devices by the time the next solar eclipse comes around.
[ordering Indian food]
them: thank you for calling Chutneys, what would-
me: I’m white
them: say no more, where would you like your butter chicken and garlic naan delivered?
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way