Stupid cow blocking the road. HOW DAIRY!
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Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
Just tried to move my cursor and took me a beat to realize my mouse was upside down and doing the exact opposite of what my brain was telling it to do. Drunkest three seconds of my life.
Why does the dentist have to take an X-ray of my teeth. They right there bro
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter![]()
Told my 18yo we’re out of mac’n’cheese, so he’d have to do something else for lunch for once. He says, “I’ll just break into my personal stash.” Goes into his room, rummages around, comes out with two boxes of Annie’s mac’n’cheese.
?????
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Husband: How painful is childbirth?
Me: Imagine going to Hobby Lobby with me.
H: Okay?
Me: Then Home Goods.
H: Alright.
Me: Then Bed, Bath & Beyond, then Kohl’s, then Michaels, then JC Penney’s, then –
H: *in fetal position*
Once you realize I’m an idiot, my tweets start to make a lot more sense.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Told my 56-year-old coworker that I’m a bit anti-social and he said “yeah I noticed that about you, you don’t necessarily light up a room”
God: And they will have relationships full of love, commitment, and passion
Angel: Sounds perfect
God: Lol, they have to pick two of three
The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
I know it’s dying but it’s difficult for me to let go of this app. I met my wife through Twitter. Who knows what other wives I could meet? Maybe even my second wife.
My cat and I have lots in common like how we both cry when we’re hungry and both put our ass in the air when it’s being rubbed.
Every parent who has picked up a toddler and taken them away from a playground while they kick and scream and cry is legally allowed to put “bouncer” on their resume’s work history.