“Stupid kid fell in the well again.”
-if Lassie had been a cat
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St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
Fact: Chihuahuas shake so much because their blood is two thirds Red Bull.
People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $1 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst anniversary gifts ever.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
“I got up at 4 am so I could bite my mom and eat a frog and pee on the floor right after I peed outside”
Art by Pastelkatto
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
This is I, Robot all over again
Just so you know – you’re not the first one to make the sign of the cross when watching me eat
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
The past two Fridays after school I have seen the same group of teens walking home with a store cake and I would like to know how I get in on this Friday cake club.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
Give a man a fish… and well, shit gets weird.
Me: “Hey Siri, what color are your panties?”
Siri: “Why would I be wearing panties?”
Me: “Oh, you’re such a naughty girl, Siri.”