Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
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Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Sure Romeo & Juliet is a great love story but have you heard Sk8er Boi?
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Blowing your load on a girl counts as a baby shower right ?
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
WIFE: good news hun we’re up this quarter.
ME: oh yeah? How much?
WIFE: *holding up a coin* this quarter.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
It seems unrealistic that no two people in a movie almost ever have the same name. My screenplay, 12 Guys Named Mike, will address this.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
20s: Sure, I’ll take the floor.
30s: The floor? No. But I’ll sleep on the couch.
40s: What thread count are your sheets?
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
How come Satan always seems to know exactly what I like?
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
me: [being beaten w/ nightstick] are u a virgo
cop: GET ON THE GROUND
me: that’s such a virgo thing to say
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon