Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
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My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
Inside of you are 2 wolves.
One eats a grammy and the other gets domesticated.
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
if adults evolved from babies, why are there still babies?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
How do bananas greet each other?
“Yellow”
I’ll thank you kindly to stop rolling your eyes
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”
Putting tape over my webcam so the hackers can’t watch me take unreasonably large bites of food.
Kids today have iPads, but when I was little my parents kept me busy on road trips by saying, ‘keep an eye on the trailer, and let us know if it falls off.’
i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
This is my favorite one of these!
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
Went to see a psychic without an appointment and he wasn’t expecting me ?
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
Tf Chris Rock thought Will was coming up there to do? Get Jiggy w/ it 😂😭😂😭
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
So many Jehovah’s Witnesses and yet still not a shred of Jehovah’s Evidence.
I’m glad Pitbull always announces his name right away so I know when to turn the radio off.
I can finish The Times’ crossword in under five minutes but I struggle to eat the whole paper
What’s a Messi?
My cactus judges
All of the other houseplants
For how much they drink