STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
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HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Working from home really jumps up a level when your boss texts you to ask if you saw her email yet, and you’re at TJ Maxx trying on jeans.
The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
i dont have time for this
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
5yo: What happens when we die?
Me: People fight over your stuff
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
This is my bus stop.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Playing “bad guy” with my daughter and she puts me in jail because “your tummy big”.
I guess loving a good burger makes me a criminal.
ME: (sitting by a roaring fire) Isn’t this romantic?
WIFE: Your crocs are melting.
My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
[During acupuncture]
Voodoo doll: OWWWWWWCH
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
You don’t need to put “narcissist” in your bio.
This is twitter, that shit goes without saying.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I’m so sick and tired of my friends who can’t handle their alcohol. The other night they dropped me three time while carrying me to the car.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
“Sorry, could I just squeeze by?”
<person doesn’t move an inch>
“Thanks”
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover