[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
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ME [struggling]: skinny jeans, skinny jeans, let me in
SCARED DENIM: don’t come back till you’re thinny, thin, thin
Me: Do you want to hit the steam room after this?
Leonard the shrimp I work out with: *aggressive shrimp noises*
Me: Christ, it’s a joke Leonard. Calm down.
COP: don’t worry sir, we’ll find your kids as soon as we can.
ME: no hurry.
Without freedom of speech we wouldn’t know who the idiots are!
Eat a spoonful of garlic powder before you whisper all the sweet nothings in your spouses ear.
Follow me for more relationship advice.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My husband: Okay, bye! I’m headed to play golf.
My kid: bye, Dada! I love you! We’ll always have our memories.
the children’s version of “The Catcher In The Rye” is called “My Little Phony”
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Every Field Has It’s Hero’s:
Music: Jimi Hendrix
Science: Albert Einstein
Business: Michael Scott
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
Them: You have a choice-
Me: I’ll take the bad choice, please.
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
YOU CAN ORDER AN AIR HORN ON AMAZON AND BRING THE FIGHT DIRECTLY TO THE GEESE.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
When a black guy pulls a knife on me on the subway I remind him he doesn’t have to feed into racial stereotypes. Then I usually get stabbed.
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
people are like ooohhh you’re twice divorced? yes. i like getting divorced, ok?
Your baby’s got pink eye, bronchitis AND a double ear infection?
Are you even trying to keep him alive?
Waiter, Waiter, I would like some lamb chops and make them lean.
Certainly Sir, forwards or backwards?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”