Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
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This came to me in a dream.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
[Picasso’s Blue Period]
Picasso: holy shit, call a gynecologist
There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
No sadder relationship dynamic than my baby (absolutely obsessed with my 3yo) and my 3yo (continually tells us to throw her in the garbage)
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
As a kid I thought karma would drop more pianos on people’s heads, and now I’m super disappointed.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My neighbor upstairs bought a new treadmill and I accidentally just shot five holes in my ceiling.
TEACHER: can anybody tell me the answer to this problem
ME: *raising hand confidently* no
Hey I noticed you’re completely uninterested in me and couldn’t care whether I live or die would you like to build a life together?
teacher: class, today we learn about the birds and bees
class: OOOOH
[opens hawk cage]
class: AAAHHH
[calls principal]
RELEASE THE BEES
Headache Protip:
Bang your toe into something.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
Parenting is wanting to know why the mouthwash is in the freezer but being too tired to ask.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
Cats don’t say YOLO they say YOLNT
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
[date]
ME: Tell me about yourself
HER: I love good listeners and Fred Astaire
ME: That’s weird
HER: What is?
ME: Being afraid of stairs