subtitles are so good nowadays
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me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
If you listen carefully you can hear the sound of raindrops sighing. Really, you can hear almost anything if you’re high enough.
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
yo LA chill out with your restaurant names
Me: I fell down the stairs with a quart of Jägermeister & I didn’t spill a drop.
Him: Well, how’d you do that?
Me: I kept my mouth shut..
You want to sext?
*blushes*
Ok, but I’m not very good at it.*frantically types*
AS I WALK THROUGH THE VALLEY OF THE SHADOW OF DEATH…
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
I’m starting a merciful puzzle company that keeps the edge pieces separate from the middle pieces because it’s 2019 and we shouldn’t have to work so hard to be bored.
Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
News: Gas shortage
Me: Haha
News: Chic-fil-a sauce shortage
Me: NO
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I just realized that there is absolutely nothing stopping me from telling elderly people that I wrote Despacito
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Tell her “I love your eyes. They sparkle like emeralds. I’d love to see them every day”
Perhaps whisper the “in a jar beside my bed” part though