Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
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Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
Rejected Disney Movie Titles:
1) Find My Fish Son
2) A Shit Ton Of Spotted Dogs
3) Peter Pot
4) Pretty Lady & Big Foot Face
5) It’s Cold
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.
Just took my 3 dogs to the vet, so the family will be feasting on ramen noodles, beans, and no name chips for the next few months. At least the dogs are taken care of.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
It’s Saturday night and I just saw a guy with a ponytail and tinted lenses. Somewhere, a tarantula is home alone
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]