SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: *eats a sandwich brought from home*
SUBWAY MANAGER: hey no outside artwork
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He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
[at the general store]
me: one general please
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Once you realize most planets take about a billion years to stabilize in their orbits, you’ll feel much better about yourself
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Left my son in the rock tumbler now I gotta explain to his momma why hes smooth as hell.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
When the the bladder control commercial with the jingle “Gotta go, gotta go, gotta go right now” came on my 5 year old asked “mommy, do these ladies really have to go to the bathroom or do they just think they do” thus becoming the youngest menopause expert in the world.
My 4yo is asserting dominance by calling me by my full name. I don’t like where this is going
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
i choose….tongue
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I say “Mmmmhmmmm” to 99% of the questions my kids ask me until I notice them looking horrified and then I go, “Wait! What??? NO!”
For some reason, whenever anyone in my house gets a Lush bath bomb we all stand ceremoniously around the tub and quietly watch it dissolve. Today, a minute into colourful bubbling, my 11yo turns to me and whispers, “what the hell are we doing?”
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
“I’m not contagious anymore”
– Guy who’s about to make you sick