Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Baby Judge: You’re sentenced to 3 jars of strained peas.

*baby bailiffs drop their squeaky toys*
*an infant juror spits up*

The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.

My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots

M: *sweating*

Some Guy: You look hot.

M: *sweaty blushing* thank you

You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.

[Victora’s Secret]

Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?

A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.

Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem

When two girls hate each other, they say “we should DEFINITELY hang out” and then take turns shouting “definitely!” until one of them dies.

“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.

Here, have my marionette set.
“Cool. How much for it?”
Just take it
“For free? What’s the catch?”
No strings attached.
“You son of a bit..”

Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear

When God invented snakes he was like do you want legs or do you want to look like a scary belt, too late scary belt

I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky

I used to think LOL meant lots of love.
Oh! You’re Aunt died? So sorry. LOL!

Took me years to rebuild friendships.

billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire

smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good

STOP PUTTING DIARRHOEA MEDICATION ON THE BOTTOM SHELF

My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.

I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.

There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.

A little too much information.

* My life flashes before my eyes*

Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!

“More people are killed by toasters than sharks”. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster, you’re in big trouble.

I don’t think my car can fly

Bartender: What will you have?
Me: Whiskey
BT: Straight?
Me: Except for that one time in college.
BT:
Me:
BT:
Me: How ’bout them Red Sox?

ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!

My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.

me: so, they’re called LEGO for one or LEGO no matter how many there are, and someone just arbitrarily decided LEGO would be singular and plural?

moose: I hear ya.
2 moose: preach.

No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.

If you’re happy and you know it….it’s the wine.