SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
You Might Also Like
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
“No, the bubble isn’t a circle it’s a sphere.” – Keeping this uppity four year old in check.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid dressed up like a cop is a cop.
[peeing behind a tree]
bonsai artist: I have restrooms
I haven’t exaggerated in over 370 years.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Do I work hard? No. But do I work smart to compensate. Absolutely not.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
I hate to brag but my family has testified against me in court more than yours has.
I’ll take the cash and buy my own pizza, thanks
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
You don’t know pissed off until she tells you to go sleep on the couch, an you take all the covers with you.
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
if Yoda asks for chocolate milk, do you get him a drink or a candy bar???
I thought about giving up my sexual innuendo tweets but it’s too hard.
Baby will you be my friend with benefits cause I have an upcoming procedure and don’t have health insurance.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
After I spent my entire one on one with my boss talking about my love of serial killer documentaries, he suddenly stopped micromanaging me so much… weird.
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”
*me, flirting*
Me: Hello.
Her: Nice to meet you.
Me: You don’t even really know that.
Her: It’s an expression.
Me: It’s rather presumptuous.
Her: You know what, I’m sorry I met you.
Me: See what I mean?
“any ideas?”
let’s tie a bunch of helium balloons together & then hold onto the strings
“whoa whoa whoa, let’s not get carried away”
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Sure sex is good but have you even gotten melted butter in one of those air pocket holes in your toast
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.