Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
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I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
When I first met my husband I knew I’d see him again because I stole his watch.
Who told cauliflower it can be anything it wants?
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
[watching Boogie Nights]
age 19: OMG Rollergirl is sexy.
age 37: OMG wearing rollerskates during sex is dangerous. How is she still alive?
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
Thought somebody was touching my neck so I turned around and did a karate chop stance, turns out it was just my feather earring.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
*At Super Bowl Party*
Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?
my high school crush made me a mixtape and on the inner lining wrote “date?” and I didn’t see it until TWO YEARS LATER when he already had a serious girlfriend and tbh I’m still upset about it
[gets bit by spider]
[I don’t get powers]
[spider suddenly becomes tired & instantly hates Peppa Pig]
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
That stupid look on my face, is my face
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
I accidentally used dog shampoo this morning but I feel like such a good girl.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
I was going to learn to play the violin, but it was too much of a commitment.
I wanted something with no strings attached.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
When my friends come over they know to ask “may I sit here” and then we look at my dog to see if it’s OK